alcohol

i remember the first time i got drunk. it felt like everything was gone and i thought: this is all i needed to be happy, all i need is a good time with my friends. but hanging out with those same people while sober made me feel nothing.

i remember the first time i threw up from drinking. i was at my own house with people i didn't know or like. i went upstairs by myself and came back five minutes later. no one noticed i was gone.

will the days after my freshmen year of college be the best days of my life? is this my peak? is throwing a party for people i didn't like going to be one of the best days of my life? i'm scared. will i tell my grandchildren about these nights?

i am constantly aware that these possibly are the best days. every night when i almost cancel plans, i don't. the fear of missing out. i have a bottle of vodka looking at me from my dresser, five feet away. how many nights can you drink before you're considered to be an alcoholic? i put all the bottles in my neighbors trash can.