beach

every year my family goes to the beach on the fourth of july. the first time we went was the summer after sixth grade, the summer after i started becoming the person i am today. i had my old old old phone that only had a handful of songs on it - literally only fall out boy, panic! at the disco and my chemical romance. every time i hear london beckoned songs about money written my machines i still think of that day. i didn't know that two days later, my favorite band would split up and at the time, it was the end of the world.

i was twelve years old and my favorite band splitting up was literally the end of the world to me. egocentrism. i don't think my favorite band breaking up would have as much of an effect on my today. i remember the day they split. i probably read about it on myspace which makes me feel so old even though i'm still so young.  that was the last summer that myspace was a thing. i think we moved to facebook that fall.

the shore was covered with dead jelly fish. it was only that year. every year that we've gone back, the sand has been  clear but that year it was covered in dead jelly fish.

alcohol

i remember the first time i got drunk. it felt like everything was gone and i thought: this is all i needed to be happy, all i need is a good time with my friends. but hanging out with those same people while sober made me feel nothing.

i remember the first time i threw up from drinking. i was at my own house with people i didn't know or like. i went upstairs by myself and came back five minutes later. no one noticed i was gone.

will the days after my freshmen year of college be the best days of my life? is this my peak? is throwing a party for people i didn't like going to be one of the best days of my life? i'm scared. will i tell my grandchildren about these nights?

i am constantly aware that these possibly are the best days. every night when i almost cancel plans, i don't. the fear of missing out. i have a bottle of vodka looking at me from my dresser, five feet away. how many nights can you drink before you're considered to be an alcoholic? i put all the bottles in my neighbors trash can.

Ambitious January TBR

I have two more weeks of winter break left before school starts again and I hope to get through most of these then.

What I Read in December (11 books?!?!)

I read 11 books in December making my 2015 total 175 books. After reading November 9, I felt like I had to read all of Colleen Hoover's other books... So I did.